At Sunrise on Graduation...

With a quiet and thoughtful spirit, I awoke the morning of my graduation day. My eyes rested absently on the walls around me, and my mind sought to grasp the reality of the last thirteen years of my life. My heart was still beating; my mind still reeling; my eyes still seeking; my feet still moving; my hands still working; my breath still whistling; my life still continuing.

My childhood lived in the days when adulthood was the one and only desirable attainment in this world. My numerous public schools attended sufficed to represent a prison full of cells and walls that had no escape. My young adult years sent everything and anything I held as important and worthy of my time scattered and lying bare for all to see. My high school years struggled to be anything but of the world. My identity had suffered shattering into fragments and only being able to be put back together by the One. The me sitting there that morning was not the me I was a decade ago, a year ago, a month ago, a week ago, a day ago, a hour ago, a minute ago, a second ago. I was changing; I was being reshaped.

My heart warmed with an unspeakable joy. My friends, I was free! I had been trapped in the public school system for so long and with little to hold me steady to His word other than my mother. The cells I thought had no opening had broken and crumbled at my feet. The burdens of the last thirteen years were finally able to be fully dumped at the Cross. The oppressing atmosphere was lifted and carried away. I was never going to return, I vowed. How could I return to the place that held so much torment and anguish for me? Even before I was a Christian, the public schools shook my confidence to the core, pushing me into the realm of the outcasts.

I closed my eyes again, my mind drifting into an unconscious dream. I saw myself standing in the middle of the school building, patiently waiting for the escape I knew I would be provided with. My eyes watched the cracks forming on the walls, and the pieces crumbling all around me. The laughter and joy radiated from my face and my arms reached to the sky. And with little more than a simple thank you, I took off, running and leaping over those crumbled walls. I made it past the last piece of brick, and felt myself unwillingly coming to a halt.

My heart screamed that I must look back. I did not want to, but I did. My eyes turned and beheld names written on the pieces of stone, names that told of those that left those walls just as I had with no hope, joy, or future; they did not know Jesus. My eyes could only stare at the names so numerous that there was not a blank space. My lips let the only sound I could utter escape my lips, "Noooo...." I saw it now. I saw it then. I saw it from the outside, yet missed it while inside. Slowly an invisible pen began to cross out names, names that I had been able to talk with about Jesus. They were so few, so few. Then it all vanished into whiteness.

My eyes jumped open and my heart was pounding. I could only breathe, no words would come. How could I run and jump and be glad for freedom when there were so many more in that school that had not been reached? How could I leave the missions field God had placed me with such neglectance and gladness for that neglectance? Gently, He spoke to my heart: "My child, I am caring for that place; there will be another of my children there to care for it. You have been given a new mission field. I do not want you to look back and wish you were back there; I want you to look back and realize how much those people need Me." He knew me inside and out. He knew my desires to move on with life. At that moment, I realized that every moment I lived out in that school could have been for Christ, yet my selfish core always demanded recognition. If only His work in my heart would drive me to have more moments for Christ than for myself.

With my thoughts traveling in a million directions, my heart cried out to Him with one and only one desire for this day: "So then, just as you have received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness" (Colossians 2:6-7)

Dare to Stand ON the Fence

As I sit here now and reflect on how many times I have crossed the electric fence and how many lessons I have learned, I often feel called to participate in the opposite extreme. See, there was a reason two dogs appeared in this story - they were the direct opposite of one another, in attitude, thought process, and mannerisms. But, neither set of complete characteristics is all together more valuable or needed over the other. The first dog and the second dog have their own set of faults, their own set of flaws. As we naturally do, we will desire the opposite characteristic over our own because we think those have better or different results. How wrong and foolish we are to seek our opposite when we ourselves know what we do to be imperfect.

The biggest lesson this story carried upon my heart was my need to balance in my life; I lack it. I fall into one extreme, try to escape it, and only find myself leaning towards the other extreme. When I look at the electric fence, I think boundary; I think confining; I think restricting; I think destroy it. But guess what? That boundary is not there for me to shrink from or for me to cross immediately. The boundary is the place I should aim to stand at.

It is the place where God's standards lie. It is the place where only those who are willing to totally give their lives and pursuits to Him would be willing to stand in the fiery effects of electricity. It is balance because God takes riskiness and cowardliness and combines them to form resolve and wisdom. It is balance because God takes complete openness and complete closed mindedness and combines them to form a sense of loyalty and loving attitude. It is balance because God takes details and dreams and combines them to form faith and trust in Him. It is balance because God takes a positive outlook and a realistic outlook and combines them to form judgement and success.

God is not provoking us to become the opposite of ourselves. Rather, He is moving in our hearts to meet Him in the middle, where His ultimate and all powerful and everlasting truths lie. The fence is not to keep us back or make us run past it; it is there for us to stand in the middle of it. And only One has ever done it, Jesus Christ Himself. Thus, as I conclude this series of thoughts, I invite each and every one of you to dare to stand in the middle with Him, to dare to let Him move you there, to dare to let go of your desire for the opposite side, to dare to love Him so much that you will endure the fiery of the electricity, and to dare to find the perfect balance, only found within His word, His standards, and His promises.

Part 4: A Positive Life: What Does It Really Entail?

The Positive Life: What Does It Really Entail?

Anything has a positive side; everything in life has a lesson to learn; nothing in life is harsh enough to knock one down. I am a generally positive person. If you run the race with me, I will usually find something positive to say, even in the bleakest of circumstances. Not only does it often provide comic relief for those not so gifted in ignoring the negative, but it really serves to put my heart in the place it belongs. Not only does the sudden shock of my statement somehow quiet their rambling fears and negativity, but it reminds me of Who I love. Not only does the glass half-full imply that it will be filled up even more in the future, but it opens my eyes to see how much others are missing by thinking their glass needs to be filled more. Not only does it allow me to move forward, but it pulls me back in order to help those who stall in moving forward.

This is where dog number one loves electric fences. The squirrel on the other side of that fence is worth it all, simply because the simple pain will only become laugher in the future. The horror of the moment always denotes a positive and a joy in the end. Dog number two simply looks on the world; that electric fence is so painful and not worth its time. It puts a fear in it that no positive object, not even a squirrel, can entice it to bound beyond that half empty line in its water glass. How dangerous and trapping such a perspective serves to us humans.

Often times, we do not take the differences between a positive outlook and a negative outlook far enough. Positive outlooks have a seemingly uncharacteristic ability to shove people forward, to eliminate the fear, and to allow for the development and honing of one's character. Negativity, on the other hand, seems to be an invisible rope in people's lives; they cannot go beyond it, and they do not dare try.

Did you know that a negative person lives, on average, a shorter life span than those that are positive? Did you know that a negative person, on average, remembers less memories than those that are positive? Did you know that a negative person's heart, on average, endures more pressure and irregularity than those that are positive? Did you know that a negative person affects those around them and decreases their peers' life spans? Given such facts, does it not seem that we are biologically wired to be positive people?

Granted, I am not talking about an outlook so positive that we fail to recognize dangers and to weigh the wisdom of our decisions. But, I think that negativity often clouds our judgement and prevents us from becoming all that God has called us to be. It incites worrisomeness, destroys our focus, hazes our perception of God's goodness, strains our relationships with others, pushes us to become unhealthy, and overall, represents an open door to dangers untold. The devil relies on negativity. If you were never negative about any event, how could the devil bring you into depression? How could the devil entice you to lie if you always viewed every situation with a positive outcome? It is not true that our flesh by nature may just be negative?

Even the Bible seems to steer us in the direction of being positive about anything in our lives. Proverbs contains numerous verses warning wives not to be naggers. The New Testament is full of the apostles enduring suffering and yet always being so glad to endure it. Even the wording of the Scripture itself always looks to the positive side of obeying and following His commandments. Our lives, when lived according to the Bible, are always planned out and all is endured for our good and His glory! Is that not a positive truth within itself?

Thus, when I come across situations where I feel pulled in a direction to look at the ugly side of it all, I often sit there and go, "You know, Lord, this is the closest I will ever get to Hell. And if Hell is horrible, and Heaven is amazing, cannot even a part of this be amazing as well? Please help me to see the amazing side."

Part 3: Obsession. . . with the dreams

Obsession. . . with the dreams

Always chasing; always running. That boundary line in my life, the electric fence, only feeds my addiction to newer and bigger dreams. The fast paced and massive goals and achievements cloud my mind in a hazy mist. I am flying high up in the clouds; do not attempt to ground me, for you will only be met with failure in that arena. The clouds accomplish their designated task, obscuring the view of the particles of sand, branches of trees, and the colored pigments of the flowers below me.

In fact, the details of life down there as a whole escape my otherwise critical eye. Oh, do not get me wrong here; I know that all those particles exist and thrive within my world, but I do not concern myself with them, not with all the other amazing opportunities I can be chasing. All in all, I am obsessed with the world outside of that altogether confining electric fence. I am way too occupied with my interest in the broad, expansive, and limitless world and tend to ignore that same stretch of grass and patio, which represents satisfaction and safety to some. Let me run; let me chase my squirrels. Shock me with that jolt of electricity all you want; I do not care; I am done with details.

How often do we act that same exact way in our own individual lives? Dog number one remains so focused on his squirrels, his "big dreams." Unlike dog number two, dog number one purposely ignores the details of his all too familiar surroundings and experiences boredom with the monotonous sight that fills his eyes every day. I do the same in my own life on a daily basis. I like to think futuristic; I like to think about what I can be doing, what can be accomplished, or what long term goals and projects I can direct my full attention to. While be a visionary certainly has its positive attributes, cracks and crevices began to form and mar my life under the surface, undermining whatever big tasks I accomplish in both minor and major ways.

As much as I love the Lord and want to pursue Him, my heart risks becoming used to certain weeds and splitters that poke at its surface, representing the details I have deemed worthy of being put off and dealt with later, ignored. Jesus calls us to prepare for His return every day of our lives (Matthew 24:36-44). Absolutely true: this preparation includes future planning and telling every one we can about His holiness and saving grace (Mark 16:15); yet, He further calls us to be diligent and persistent in making no provision for the flesh (Romans 13:14). He provokes us to participate in introspection with Him, inviting us to focus on the details, on the small, seemingly insignificant, and hidden aspects of our lives and hearts.

Often times, I find details to be so overwhelming, time consuming, frustrating, and so not worth the focus, time and effort that I would be required to put forth in order to accomplish something with them. I would rather take a giant leap into a dark, deep abyss and learn my lessons as I free-fall into the unknown. I desire immense, goal focused days, weeks, and months. But, unknown to me throughout this entire experience, I am suffering and hurting; I am enlarging and magnifying the cracks and crevices. The "details" in my life pile up, joining together and creating a weakness or addiction that threatens to tear me apart and crack the entirety of a work of art. I am missing a vital part of God's voice. I pursue what I believe He wanted in the beginning, but I also neglect my quiet moments and the small items that need to be dealt with all along the way. Am I following the Lord? Most likely, in some way, shape, or form. Do I know Him? Probably not as well as I should.

My obsession with thrill and accomplished dreams just might break me and shatter the pieces of my life in the future, if I chose to ignore it. Why? Because I never take the time to wait and listen, to let God's hands shape and fill in some of those cracks and address the weeds. He is always pointing them out, but I must lay aside the busyness found in chasing my dreams. I need to care about the effects of the bugs on the grass and the sun on the deck wood.

Granted, life is not all about details; I realize that very much. We are called to strike a balance between the two. We are called to dedicate our lives not only to pursuing Him in the intricate and delicate parts of our lives; we are furthermore called to run forward. Hence, this balance is not so much dedicating one's life's focus to the pursuance of one extreme, but rather, we are striving to be able to be a visionary at the same time we are living introspectively. I definitely do not have this balance figured out entirely; perhaps the discovery of this particular inclination to sway to one extreme is a practice of the opposite extreme in and of itself. Either way, I doubt not that my life will stray into dangerous territory should I ever forget this principle. Therefore, there is just one question that I must ask each and every day. . .

Will I choose to listen to Him, in the stillness and in the adventure?

Part 2: Vulnerable? No Way. . . .

Vulnerable? No Way....

Here I go again; across the electric fence I run. The squirrel is just so tempting. See, there is an activity out there that I want to do; a dream I want to pursue. I did not think; I just ran. The shock is over and I am free! Free to run and free to dance and free to sing. With one last look over my shoulder at my buddy sitting on the porch, I run off with a grin of satisfaction. I am definitely having a lot more fun in my life. I am running so fast that I lose my sense of direction and my sense of protection. Far beyond my boundaries that define my home, I suddenly feel vulnerable, too open to those that would love to have their fun with me and my fear. All in all, I blindly and whole-heartedly pursued my dream and left not a single trail of dust behind me. I am one lost person.

In my life and in my heart, it is so easy to guard myself from others. I have built up the best defenses against all kinds of things; nothing gets by my outer coating unless I willingly give it permission. Yet, somehow, in someway, I always end up hurt or alone or running or just plain tired. I often wonder what am I doing guarding myself so closing? What am I doing preventing emotions from ever effecting my life? What am I doing preventing anyone, even those I trust, from ever getting close to me? What am I do snatching the wheel from my Father?

Being vulnerable is not my thing; that much I can tell you. Though I love running across the division line, I often end up lost, confused, dazed, and scared. My tendency is to pursue what I want to pursue and do it now. I do not slow down or get to know my helpers along the way; that is way too dangerous. I walk through life devoting my thoughts to not caring and to not seeking any real companionship; I can survive just fine on my own. After all, I do have something I am chasing, but it's definitely not a person. To put it bluntly, I lead my life by myself; I avoid people; I avoid emotion; I avoid life.

Maybe it seems a little radical to say that I avoid life, but let's face it; I really am. Naturally, as humans, we long for companionship, for people to love and trust. God made us this way. He commands us to be apart of the body of Christ and to be apart of the Church. Why? Because He knows that if we do not have Spiritual support from our friends, our brothers and sisters, we will weaken. We need companionship for accountability. We need companionship for support. We need companionship because we are formed, made, created to love and serve one another.

A true friend sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 8:24).

A true friendship is one soul in two bodies (Aristotle).

But, in order to even receive such a blessing as having a true friend, one must be willing to not only be a friend, but to open up as a friend. We all need to guard our hearts closely, that is for sure. However, I often tend to guard my heart too closely; I block off any emotion or any ties that could possibly result because a person. I strive to make "breaking the bonds" quick and painless should any circumstance warrant it. It is so curious that despite my never having any emotional ties with people, I always seem to be unhappy. I do not find the same amount of joy in life that others seem to. My specialty is to lock myself away and stay away from those that threaten my balance of not truly loving or getting to know people. Simply, you will not find me willingly vulnerable until you drag everything out of me over a course of years. No wonder I am often left at the end of the day wondering what I did or if I did anything at all that was worthwhile.

Well, avoiding people seems bad enough, but hold on, it gets worse. This attitude of knowing what I am doing and needing no one to help me get through things and not letting people into my life delights in creeping into my relationship with my Father as well. I just cannot trust fully. I cannot trust to let the walls down nor can I trust to let go. Hence, I always seem to be grabbing the wheel from Him. I seem to be running behind Him and then saying "Okay, you are running way too slow for me right now. I will lead." And off I go. It's always interesting to see how many of those times I end up panting so much that I have to fall behind Him again. At those times, I wonder why I ever left.

Wait though, there is more. I was not just running behind Him; I was hiding from Him. There were parts of me that I did not want Him to control or take over. So, I kept trying to run ahead because then He wouldn't see me all the time. But, the more I did that, the more my heart ached. I was longing for someone to talk to. My feet could not carry the heavy weight of my heart; my pace slowed evidently as my pounding feet became unsteady and dangerous. I had to slow down once again. I had to let some of the burden off so that I could go back and run behind Him. It happens all the time.

Most of the time, I wonder what I am really doing or why I am really doing what I am doing. But, every time, the same answer resounds back to me. I am not letting go. I am holding on to what is not mine. I am stealing myself and repelling my needs. The walls that I have built up have become my prison. Even though I run across that fence line all the time, it really means nothing. I go beyond that fence line and my bravery becomes foolishness.

Life is not worth living if I cannot reveal all to Him, submit to Him, and find complete joy in the blessings and people He brings into my life. The mistakes are worth it; the pain is worth it. If only the walls would come crashing down, the chains stripped away, and the guarded given to the Lord for safe keeping. If only I would let Him shine through it and make me vulnerable to those whom He choses to put in my life as blessings. If only I would learn to love and care and open up; the joy would come pouring into my life, of that much I am certain.

Part 1: One Dangerous Person

One Dangerous Person

Running across that electrifying line rarely has an effect on me. Sure, crossing that line leads me into the unknown and it sometimes even starts with that unpleasant reminder of what I am leaving behind. My split-second decisions and my leaving no time for contemplation leaves me chasing dreams, goals, pursuits, and ideas only partially aware of the outcome. This danger, the unknown ending, the rush of adrenaline, and the excitement of being free in the moment drives my life. I will be the first to admit it; I live for the risks, the chaos, the unknown, the curve balls, and anything else crazy in life. All of that put together? I am one dangerous person to hang out with.

But, after slowing realizing that I am in fact dangerous, I began to wonder what kind of dangerous I am. What squirrels to I end up chasing? What does each electric shock truly represent? Who am I taking such risks for? And what do I do with those unfortunate squirrels once I catch them?

There are so many times that I end up chasing items, goals, desires that are either not meant for me specifically, or not meant for me as a child of God. My heart has a way with running away from the me I want to be, with seeking things that are not really what I want to live for. I can be as risky, as assertive, as impulsive as I want to be; but, if what I do is not for the Lord, if what I do is not guided by His Word, it becomes worthless. My goals must be committed onto the Lord if I can even hope to watch them succeed (Proverbs 16:3).

That is the bottom line, the foundation that my risks must be based upon. But, let's take it a step up now. I can commit my actions to the Lord; I can commit any right action to the Lord, but they will not always succeed. My lack of contemplation with the tasks that I often dive into may be seen as a bad thing, but it can be a good thing if taken correctly. In one of my favorite quotes, Donald Rumsfield states:

Success tends to go not to the person who is error free because he also tends to be risk adverse, rather it goes to the person who recognizes that life is pretty must a percentage basis. It isn't making mistakes that is critical, it's correcting them and getting on with the principle task.

While I do have successes, my lack of evaluating all sides of an issue does lead to more mistakes that some may say could have been prevented. But, I have found that it is not through my successes that I learn the most. When I fail at something, not only do I have a drive to do better next time and exceed the last outcome, but my heart learns more lessons than it would if I succeeded. I learn humility, selflessness, perseverance, forgiveness, knowledge, etc. But even more pointedly, I might have missed out on this learning opportunity if I had taken days to evaluate all angles; I would have missed out on a radical decision that may have seemed to cost me more (when in reality I gained more); I would have missed out on excitement; I would have missed out on risk.

However, let's step up even higher while talking about risk. What kind of risk are we talking about? We already know godly risk, willing to accept mistake risk; what are we missing? Courage vs. stupidity. This is where it gets tough. There have been so many times when I start out thinking I am being courageous only to find out at the end, it was really stupidity. The line between the two seems thin and impossible to distinguish. But, C.S. Lewis decided he may be able to clarify it just a bit:

Courage is not simply one of the virtues but the form of every virtue at the testing point.

When I first read this quote, it completely went over my head; what a perfect item to really study in that case. I finally began to truly understand what he means. Courage is not separate from anything. Courage is apart of every good thing, every thing that is pleasing to God. Everything we do that defies the Devil and our human nature demands courage. We do not just up and do it.

Risk, boldness, dangerousness, and chaos all evolve into a totally different meaning. What I may call risk is more likely recklessness. What I call boldness is more likely confrontational. What I call dangerous is more likely deadly. What I call chaos is more likely an absolute mess. That is what my lifestyle truly represents if I chose to let those words define me. But, the key to living a dangerous lifestyle, to crossing that electric fence and chasing squirrels, is seeing and portraying it as not a separate characteristic, but rather one that is incorporated into everything we do for Christ. It may not seem as enjoyable or crazy sounding, but trust me, it is a lot more radical than anything I could conjure up on my own.

Will I be the dog that crosses that fences because I desire to be bold in Christ's love? In Christ-like virtues? In Christ-like attitudes?

Introduction: The Tale of Two Dogs

The Tale of Two Dogs

My Pastor once told a rather humorous tale about his two dogs. These joyful animals loved to run and explore; so much so that their explorings often took them beyond the boundaries of their yard. Squirrels, noise, and other curious creatures and interruptions led them to trespass on others' lands. Well, my Pastor knew something had to be done. Therefore, he installed an underground, electric fence. The electric zap that buzzed throughout the poor animals' bodies would most likely provide enough encouragement to stay away from those forbidden places.

It definitely worked for dog number one; it only took one punishing shock to keep that dog content with remaining on the porch for the rest of its life. Dog number two? Not so much. This dog would go and sit right on the edge, right inside that boundary that would severely punish him, should he dare to cross it. And his eyes were trained on that single squirrel. Every part of its brain was yelling "squirrel!" Would this dog dare to cross the threshold? It did not take much thinking. It was worth it, so worth it. He ran across the line, yelping in pain as electricity shot through its veins. But, oh yes, it was worth it. He was free and running after that amazingly tempting little squirrel. Dog number two just never learned. It was always, always, always choosing the brief seconds of pain over letting that squirrel run out of its sight.

There are very few stories that provoke true laughter out of me; this one definitely did. Not that shocking dogs is funny, but the fact that dog number two never gave up --- now that was priceless. This is definitely going to be a part by part blog post. I cannot even begin to delve into all the parallels within this story within one blog post. And it is probably better if you know the secret ahead of time; dog number two ---- yep, that would be me. The lessons that dog number two taught me contained a very interesting combination of good and bad. It is not so much that running through electric fences is a bad idea (theoretically here... don't try it), but it is more of what exactly we are running through it for; what we are chasing basically.

So, I welcome you all to follow me through a series of posts, while I explore a few lessons I have been taught about running through electric fences. . . .