Here I go again; across the electric fence I run. The squirrel is just so tempting. See, there is an activity out there that I want to do; a dream I want to pursue. I did not think; I just ran. The shock is over and I am free! Free to run and free to dance and free to sing. With one last look over my shoulder at my buddy sitting on the porch, I run off with a grin of satisfaction. I am definitely having a lot more fun in my life. I am running so fast that I lose my sense of direction and my sense of protection. Far beyond my boundaries that define my home, I suddenly feel vulnerable, too open to those that would love to have their fun with me and my fear. All in all, I blindly and whole-heartedly pursued my dream and left not a single trail of dust behind me. I am one lost person.
In my life and in my heart, it is so easy to guard myself from others. I have built up the best defenses against all kinds of things; nothing gets by my outer coating unless I willingly give it permission. Yet, somehow, in someway, I always end up hurt or alone or running or just plain tired. I often wonder what am I doing guarding myself so closing? What am I doing preventing emotions from ever effecting my life? What am I doing preventing anyone, even those I trust, from ever getting close to me? What am I do snatching the wheel from my Father?
Being vulnerable is not my thing; that much I can tell you. Though I love running across the division line, I often end up lost, confused, dazed, and scared. My tendency is to pursue what I want to pursue and do it now. I do not slow down or get to know my helpers along the way; that is way too dangerous. I walk through life devoting my thoughts to not caring and to not seeking any real companionship; I can survive just fine on my own. After all, I do have something I am chasing, but it's definitely not a person. To put it bluntly, I lead my life by myself; I avoid people; I avoid emotion; I avoid life.
Maybe it seems a little radical to say that I avoid life, but let's face it; I really am. Naturally, as humans, we long for companionship, for people to love and trust. God made us this way. He commands us to be apart of the body of Christ and to be apart of the Church. Why? Because He knows that if we do not have Spiritual support from our friends, our brothers and sisters, we will weaken. We need companionship for accountability. We need companionship for support. We need companionship because we are formed, made, created to love and serve one another.
A true friend sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 8:24).
A true friendship is one soul in two bodies (Aristotle).
But, in order to even receive such a blessing as having a true friend, one must be willing to not only be a friend, but to open up as a friend. We all need to guard our hearts closely, that is for sure. However, I often tend to guard my heart too closely; I block off any emotion or any ties that could possibly result because a person. I strive to make "breaking the bonds" quick and painless should any circumstance warrant it. It is so curious that despite my never having any emotional ties with people, I always seem to be unhappy. I do not find the same amount of joy in life that others seem to. My specialty is to lock myself away and stay away from those that threaten my balance of not truly loving or getting to know people. Simply, you will not find me willingly vulnerable until you drag everything out of me over a course of years. No wonder I am often left at the end of the day wondering what I did or if I did anything at all that was worthwhile.
Well, avoiding people seems bad enough, but hold on, it gets worse. This attitude of knowing what I am doing and needing no one to help me get through things and not letting people into my life delights in creeping into my relationship with my Father as well. I just cannot trust fully. I cannot trust to let the walls down nor can I trust to let go. Hence, I always seem to be grabbing the wheel from Him. I seem to be running behind Him and then saying "Okay, you are running way too slow for me right now. I will lead." And off I go. It's always interesting to see how many of those times I end up panting so much that I have to fall behind Him again. At those times, I wonder why I ever left.
Wait though, there is more. I was not just running behind Him; I was hiding from Him. There were parts of me that I did not want Him to control or take over. So, I kept trying to run ahead because then He wouldn't see me all the time. But, the more I did that, the more my heart ached. I was longing for someone to talk to. My feet could not carry the heavy weight of my heart; my pace slowed evidently as my pounding feet became unsteady and dangerous. I had to slow down once again. I had to let some of the burden off so that I could go back and run behind Him. It happens all the time.
Most of the time, I wonder what I am really doing or why I am really doing what I am doing. But, every time, the same answer resounds back to me. I am not letting go. I am holding on to what is not mine. I am stealing myself and repelling my needs. The walls that I have built up have become my prison. Even though I run across that fence line all the time, it really means nothing. I go beyond that fence line and my bravery becomes foolishness.
Life is not worth living if I cannot reveal all to Him, submit to Him, and find complete joy in the blessings and people He brings into my life. The mistakes are worth it; the pain is worth it. If only the walls would come crashing down, the chains stripped away, and the guarded given to the Lord for safe keeping. If only I would let Him shine through it and make me vulnerable to those whom He choses to put in my life as blessings. If only I would learn to love and care and open up; the joy would come pouring into my life, of that much I am certain.