Friday, May 14, 2010

Obsession. . . with the dreams

Always chasing; always running. That boundary line in my life, the electric fence, only feeds my addiction to newer and bigger dreams. The fast paced and massive goals and achievements cloud my mind in a hazy mist. I am flying high up in the clouds; do not attempt to ground me, for you will only be met with failure in that arena. The clouds accomplish their designated task, obscuring the view of the particles of sand, branches of trees, and the colored pigments of the flowers below me.

In fact, the details of life down there as a whole escape my otherwise critical eye. Oh, do not get me wrong here; I know that all those particles exist and thrive within my world, but I do not concern myself with them, not with all the other amazing opportunities I can be chasing. All in all, I am obsessed with the world outside of that altogether confining electric fence. I am way too occupied with my interest in the broad, expansive, and limitless world and tend to ignore that same stretch of grass and patio, which represents satisfaction and safety to some. Let me run; let me chase my squirrels. Shock me with that jolt of electricity all you want; I do not care; I am done with details.

How often do we act that same exact way in our own individual lives? Dog number one remains so focused on his squirrels, his "big dreams." Unlike dog number two, dog number one purposely ignores the details of his all too familiar surroundings and experiences boredom with the monotonous sight that fills his eyes every day. I do the same in my own life on a daily basis. I like to think futuristic; I like to think about what I
can be doing, what can be accomplished, or what long term goals and projects I can direct my full attention to. While be a visionary certainly has its positive attributes, cracks and crevices began to form and mar my life under the surface, undermining whatever big tasks I accomplish in both minor and major ways.

As much as I love the Lord and want to pursue Him, my heart risks becoming used to certain weeds and splitters that poke at its surface, representing the details I have deemed worthy of being put off and dealt with later, ignored. Jesus calls us to prepare for His return every day of our lives (Matthew 24:36-44). Absolutely true: this preparation includes future planning and telling every one we can about His holiness and saving grace (Mark 16:15); yet, He further calls us to be diligent and persistent in making no provision for the flesh (Romans 13:14). He provokes us to participate in introspection with Him, inviting us to focus on the details, on the small, seemingly insignificant, and hidden aspects of our lives and hearts.

Often times, I find details to be so overwhelming, time consuming, frustrating, and so not worth the focus, time and effort that I would be required to put forth in order to accomplish something with them. I would rather take a giant leap into a dark, deep abyss and learn my lessons as I free-fall into the unknown. I desire immense, goal focused days, weeks, and months. But, unknown to me throughout this entire experience, I am suffering and hurting; I am enlarging and magnifying the cracks and crevices. The "details" in my life pile up, joining together and creating a weakness or addiction that threatens to tear me apart and crack the entirety of a work of art. I am missing a vital part of God's voice. I pursue what I believe He wanted in the beginning, but I also neglect my quiet moments and the small items that need to be dealt with all along the way. Am I following the Lord? Most likely, in some way, shape, or form. Do I
know Him? Probably not as well as I should.

My obsession with thrill and accomplished dreams just might break me and shatter the pieces of my life in the future, if I chose to ignore it. Why? Because I never take the time to wait and listen, to let God's hands shape and fill in some of those cracks and address the weeds. He is always pointing them out, but I must lay aside the busyness found in chasing my dreams. I need to care about the effects of the bugs on the grass and the sun on the deck wood.

Granted, life is not all about details; I realize that very much. We are called to strike a balance between the two. We are called to dedicate our lives not only to pursuing Him in the intricate and delicate parts of our lives; we are furthermore called to run forward. Hence, this balance is not so much dedicating one's life's focus to the pursuance of one extreme, but rather, we are striving to be able to be a visionary at the same time we are living introspectively. I definitely do not have this balance figured out entirely; perhaps the discovery of this particular inclination to sway to one extreme is a practice of the opposite extreme in and of itself. Either way, I doubt not that my life will stray into dangerous territory should I ever forget this principle. Therefore, there is just one question that I must ask each and every day. . .

Will I choose to listen to Him, in the stillness and in the adventure?

1 comment:

  1. Wow, Hannah dear, you always say things way better than I ever could! I understand the difficulty in finding the balance between running after him without reserve, and carefully planning the intricate details of that mad dash. I so often long to just jump off a cliff after Him, but His Spirit gently shows me how that would be unwise, and so I prepare to climb slowly down the cliff after Him; knowing that in the end I'll arrive in the same place, just much less battered and scarred. ;) Love you, dearest sister!