As an experiment, I once made a list of New Year Resolutions for 2009; this list contained everything I was looking for, everything I wanted, everything I had failed at during the last year, everything that I thought needed to be accomplished or re-done. However, I soon realized just how dangerous that list became as I tried to fulfill it during the coming months after that day. Everything on the list contained the word "I." My goals were based on me, centered around me, and made by me. Where did God come in?
God was in that list; His name was written within most, if not all, of the bulleted points, but that was all. He was written in the list, but He was not the focus of the list. I recognized in each point that I needed His help to accomplish the goals I was making, but I was not recognizing my need to achieve the goals for Him. I was subconsciously planning out my life and my desires on what I thought was best for me. I forgot who really controlled my life, who I had given my very heart to, who I had entrusted my failures and triumphs to, who I had chosen to love, who I had accepted the gift of life from. Why did such a simple list lead me to such a dangerous place in my life?
Actually, the list did not lead me there; my heart did. The list revealed to me the depths of my heart, the corruption that was still present and being allowed to fester within the hidden dark places. The list revealed that I had again fallen into the trap of living out a lie. I had built up so much image, so much knowledge, but let it fill only the places that I had thought needed filling. I learned so much about the Lord, sought to please Him and to do my best in every area, but I failed to really understand how He even fit into the equation.
The list itself was not the danger, but it became the very tool by which the true intent, the true desires of the heart were revealed through. The Lord used that list and my devotion to the fulfilling of that list to reveal what should have been handed over to Him long ago. It revealed just how closed-hearted I had become to the Truth and the Way to Life. It had shown me who I was really living life for at the time and where it was taking me. It had revealed to me how shallow I was as a person. It revealed to me the fear of failure, belief, and change that I had been harboring within the corners of my heart. It revealed my absolute lack of faith, of love, of truth, of hope, of courage, of honesty, and of every good thing there was. Most of all, it revealed the unchanged heart of myself, of a person unwilling to submit to an all loving, all power, all mighty, all knowing Father.
I wish I had that list today for it would serve as a very good reminder of who I truly am a part from Christ, but I do not. I am hoping that this year my goals have changed. As I sat down with my pen to write down the goals for 2010, I found that I had nothing to write. As my pen touched the paper several times, it never made a mark. At last, I found the only words that I could honestly write on that paper. They did not come out in the form of a bullet or in the form of a goal, but in the form of a cry, a hope, a dream, a desire. It was not written to myself, it was not a reminder to myself. It was simply the only honest thing I could say.
Lord, change me. Take everything I have and make it all about You. I just want to love You.